i was sick. the cancer was in my bone marrow, and i had to have radiation and a transplant. i got so ill, and i was this too-skinny, hairless, pale thing with huge eyes. only a few people were willing to visit me in the hospital. then there was a staff change. i was on the top floor, of course. my mom told me something about what the doctor was going to do. it was going to happen on the next tuesday. the rest didn't really filter through until after she left.

the doctor was going to stop my heart. on purpose. and i was really scared that i wouldn't be able to come back if he did that. i didn't understand why he was going to stop my heart, and i wanted to call my mom. none of the phones would dial out. the new staff had made it so none of us could call out. i couldn't go down in the elevator. i kept running around trying to figure out how i could get out, but i couldn't. they put me back into the bed, and i laid there thinking about how the last time i'd really be alive would be when they gave me the anaesthesia.