ben and i had visited an elementary school for some reason and were walking out. we were talking about how our schooling was going. something happened (i can't remember what), and we ended up walking with a little boy and his little sister. we were walking them through the parking lot. the little boy was really happy about it and thought he was just SO COOL. we told him to study hard and try to get good grades. we told him to never start smoking because it's really not as cool as it seems, and all of those kids were going to be wishing they'd never started when they were in their twenties. when we were done walking them through the parking lot we turned back to hang out with some of our friends that were also up at that school. their scary dad (he appeared to be a very rotted zombie) started talking to them and got really mad that we had been talking to them. he started coming after us. we ran up to where our friends were and tried to blend in so he couldn't find us. i took my coat and hat off and crawled behind some people in this car up there and acted like i had been there the whole time. the guy kept staring at me, but i refused to look at him. i kept talking to dusty. dusty muttered something about how scary that guy was. then the guy grabbed me and said he knew it was me, and then there was something about cursed mailboxes. then i woke up.

1. i was very pregnant. i gave birth to the baby all alone in the bathroom over the toilet. it fell into the toilet bowl, and i had to fetch it out. it was stillborn. it had some deformities. one eye was just an empty socket. one eye was all black like a shark. i was devastated.

2. i was part of some sort of rebel group. the people we were rebelling against.. at one point, i'd taken lessons from the guy that so fervently wanted to capture me now. i kept getting away, even as several of my compatriots were being captured. i broke into a house at one point and was hiding. they had my mother. they said they would kill her unless i came out. i came out. i was lined up with some other people on my knees with my hands tied behind my back for execution. they were moving down the line and shooting us in the backs of our heads. i had my eyes closed and was trying to make my peace.

3. i was supposed to meet caryn at her new apartment. i had a big, raggy looking dog with me. it was my dog. it had gotten into my car somehow. i took it with me up the stairs to get to caryn's place. there was a big open courtyard with a pool in it and tons of people around on the third floor. i saw the smiths, and i went to say hi to them. i asked them if they would take my dog home with them until i could pick it up later. i told them they could keep it outside. i told them that i was teaching it to catch frisbees, and then some guy across the pool threw a plate. the dog fetched it, and i went to take the plate back to the guy. he thought i was mexican and was asking his friend how to say he didn't need the plate back in spanish. i told him he could have it anyway (in english) and walked off.

i had a dream about joey. i was at his house. some other people were there, too. he had a brother that was older and may have had a mullet. there was at least one kitty running around. someone (not me) made lunch, and we were all eating it on the couch. i played with the kitty. his/her name was sausage. there was some workout equipment with clothes hanging on it. it clearly hadn't been used in a while.

i was sitting on some sort of bench in a hallway outside of some rooms. maybe in a school. or a hospital. i seem to recall it being very antiseptic looking. a man walked up to me and smiled. i didn't recognize him. then he said something, and i knew it was W. he told me he popped into a different body. we talked about things. we cuddled.

there was a pregnant horse somewhere. she had to be given botox (i have no idea) because she was trying to go into labor, but her foal hadn't dropped into the proper area in her body, yet.

there was a car accident. it may have been on the tv that W and i were watching, or it may have been "real", i can't remember. it was outside of a bar and between a cop and a drunk guy. someone from the bar shot the cop after someone chased someone (i can't remember who chased who). my other self in the dream was the youngest daughter (about 7 y/o) of the cop who was sometimes played by liam neeson. but then sometimes it was a different cop that was shot and that other self/daughter left a note declaring that she knew about sex (i don't know), and that she was going to go shoot the person that did it, and she was sorry. she went to the bar, and it was a man wearing lipstick and eyemakeup that did it. then there was a flashback of the whole thing in which the daughter was somehow present in the bar (and spying) during the whole process. at any rate, i think she shot or went up to shoot the man, but i don't remember anything else about that.

i think i discussed it with W in the dream and looked forward to the foal. i was sad when i woke up because W was gone.

what is it with me and dreams about children trying to destroy me, lately?

it was halloween. i managed to have nothing to do. my parents were going out, although in the dream my parents were played by the people that played the parents of spider.

i was dressed up like a vampire, except i didn't have any teeth in. my parents were just about to leave, and the phone rang. i answered it, and it was a prank call. i don't remember what the person said, but it freaked me out. i didn't want to be home anymore. then the doorbell rang, and it was a group of 11-14 y/o kids. a girl in the front "kayley" was very blonde and accused me of doing something horrible to her (i don't know what it was). i laughed and asked them what kind of prank it was, but i was really nervous because they seemed a bit weird. stuff went on, and finally i grabbed "kayley's" by her hair, dragged her into the house, and locked the other kids outside. i called 911 while i was holding onto her and complained about what was going on, but i was really worried that these kids were going to accuse me of whatever it was, and that the cops would believe the little shits instead of me.

it reminded me of the buckey family as portrayed in indictment: the mcmartin trial in which these people are accused of being molesters and satan worshippers and baby killers, although (according to the movie, anyway) they were nothing of the sort.

i woke up before anything got resolved, and i've been in a crap mood all day.

it started out with me being on the US olympic diving team. it looked nothing like the olympics. i was doing a simple back dive, and four of us would go at a time from four different diving boards set up along the pool. it looked like the old aquatic center (sort of) that i used to go to. i was doing fairly well, but not perfectly. then one girl went that was all by herself. she was from some tiny never-heard-of country. she did the most amazing dive ever. right after her, two middle-eastern men did some sort of weird floating-on-their backs sort of performance art thingy, and then they got attacked by some rabid jerks, and we ran over there to try to help them, but there was a giant swan in our way.

then there was an advertisement for "the ancient history" collection at jcpenney. yeah, i don't know. it was some sort of figurines including dragons, buddahs, and some kind of hilly thing that in my dream was very western pre-christian spiritual.

then, i and two other teachers (both male) had taken a group of children (9th and 10th graders, i think) to some sort of jungley area for various kind of culture studies. the children got very into some sort of uber-post-apocalyptic-back-to-primitive-monkey-behavior thing and took over. it was very lord of the flies. the two other teachers and i managed to stay away from them. they were looking for us because they believed we were trying to brainwash them and turn them into something other than what they were (the reason for the devolution). of course, this was entirely imaginary on their part. we had locked ourselves into some sort of room with a gps and a satellite phone and were trying to call home, but the children found us. there was another child (a girl) with us that had been helping us. they knocked the two men out and started dragging them out and sprayed something into the girl's and my faces that made it difficult to move, though we were still conscious.

then they dragged us out. they had erected some sort of weird wooden thing. part of it had been dug into an underground basement-like area. then i saw what they were doing. the two male teachers had somehow become sort of brainwashed slaves to the children. they were wearing weird little grass underwear type things. very kitschy 60s tv cavemen type stuff. they had decided they needed to burn me as a sacrifice to something. i started screaming. i can still hear my dream screams in my mind. they sound nothing like my real screams. i was struggling, but it was hard to get away. the smoke from the pyre had mixed with something else in the air, and i saw this monstrous tornado coming. through the haze, i saw what really looked like the burnt-out shell of one of the twin towers through the haze, and my dream self wondered at this since we had been in the middle of the jungle. then the ghost tower was gone again. the tornado caught the attention of the children. they started to panic, and i managed to get away. i crawled down into the slightly burning (the wind had blown fire from the pyre onto it) shelter/basement area. i was hiding. then one of the little girls was running down there saying "help me!" over and over again. i was trying to put out the fire without getting sucked out by the tornado. the last thing i remember is her telling me i was cruel.

then my alarm went off, and i woke up.

i've been having a lot of bad dreams lately that i think are real. most of the time, once i'm fully awake, i can logically realize that it didn't really happen. sometimes, not so much.

the most vivid example of the latter part of this was a dream i had a couple of nights ago. i heard my parents yelling at each other, and it sounded like they were yelling at me. i looked at the clock. it was 5am. i got out of bed to listen, but everything was quiet. i went out into the hall. everything was quiet. i finally went back to bed.

i felt uncomfortable all of the next day thinking that i had somehow caused a fight. finally, i asked my mom if she and dad had an argument around 5am. she looked at me all confused and said, "no?" and i said, "oh, i guess it was a dream. i thought i heard you yelling, and it woke me up." she laughed and said maybe i heard her yelling at the cat around 7:30am. i told her no, that i heard that, too. it also woke me up. but this wasn't that.

weird stuff.

manchmal fühle ich mich als ob ich nicht ich selbst wäre, und manchmal sind das schöne zeiten. manchmal nicht so sehr. aber wen interessierts?!

im moment bin ich ziemlich glücklich, nervös, aber glücklich. i kann nicht genau sagen wieso ich nervös bin. ich könnte es erklären, in vagen bezeichnungen, aber ich will nicht. roll das in deinen voyeurismus und rauch es!

ausserdem habe ich noch eine spassige beleidigung gelernt, die ich die ganze zeit benutze: "stinkige fotze".

und mein bauchnabel riecht nach käsekuchen. *kicher*

ben and alice were having a baby. she was very pregnant. we went to the hospital, and i guess i was her nurse or something. there was something very wrong with the baby. i realized it was actually a demon, but they still wanted to have it. i knew it was so evil that it might kill alice being born, but they didn't want to listen to me.

ramona and austin were there and had just had their baby. it was beautiful, but growing really quickly. it was already crawling around (being newborn that night), and it crawled over to me and told me not to worry so much.

i don't remember anything else.

i was swimming in the pool with a couple of other people. then we realized some kids had somehow gotten into my backyard and were watching us. i chased them out, and grabbed the last one by the arm. he kicked me, and i yelled at him. he had red hair and freckles. he made some smartass comment. he was about 7 y/o or so. i spanked him on his butt before i tossed him out the gate. he cried. i figured he wouldn't come back after that.

more pool stuff. then it skipped, or maybe i had a different dream. i'd hurt my face somehow. i had to have surgery on it. i was in the hospital, and i woke up before the surgery was over. they were consulting some scan images of my face, and i kept trying to moan or wave my fingers around (my arms were strapped down) so they would know i was awake and put me back to sleep. they didn't notice, and they started digging in my face while i was awake. i couldn't really make very good sounds because of the tube down my throat. i think someone finally figured it out and knocked me out again.

after the surgery, i was in the room with my mom. they thought i was groggier than i was. they told my mom that my jaw had to be wired shut, and that i'd probably need a couple more surgeries to look normal. i cried a little and made little whimper sounds. they said that i couldn't have a morphine shot for 12 hours, and i got scared. i already hurt. the nurse bumped her leg on the table and almost fell down. i sign-languaged at her to ask if she was okay. she smiled and started signing back a lot, and i signed to her that i wasn't fluent.

at some point, i was sitting at a computer terminal at the hospital. i was looking up stuff about the surgeries and trying to find pictures of people that had been through similar. i thought i was going to look like a monster, but i couldn't see my face yet because it was all bandaged up. my niece was trying to comfort me. i thought to myself that i'd find out (again) who my real friends are.

then i woke up.

distorted. no storyline. i remember negative feelings, complications, and a few, specific people that aren't worth naming here.

i woke up in psychological pain. and one of my (physical) scars hurts.

traum, amon, chiller, zu, and me were there. kev may have been, but that part is blurry. we were in some sort of lab doing some sorts of experiments.

i teased either traum or amon about something, and whatever i sad touched a bad nerve. whichever one it was, he grabbed me around the neck from behind with his (rather enormous) arm, jumped up with me onto a table, and whispered things in my ear. first thing he said at the shock on my face was, "stronger than you thought, i know." then he basically chastised me. i ought not to do that, he said. then he let me go.

i was close to tears afterwards. everyone got pretty quiet. nearly everyone left except the man (traum or amon) that i didn't anger. i was very, very quiet. he said something to me, but i've already forgotten it. i didn't answer. i was trying to hold back the tears. i didn't want to cry in front of him. he said that the other one was working out or punching something or what not and that he felt bad, too (for scaring me, etc, not because of whatever it is i had said).

there were some dvds that were sometimes action figures and sometimes puzzle games on the table. i picked them all up and was putting them in the cooler i used as my weird backpack even though i knew two of them were traum's or amon's. then i put those two down again, closed up my cooler, and started leaving. i think there was something about a (spiral?) staircase after that.

then someone woke me up.

i was in a big house at which we were having some sort of party. my nephew was there, and nathan said something about him using some sort of slur about italians. i jabbed nathan in the ribs really hard and muttered in his ear that my nephew's mother and family were there, and if they heard him saying that, especially about her son, they'd kill him, and i didn't want that to happen. we were standing at the dessert table, and there were little brownie squares. some of them had nuts in them, some had powdered sugar, and some had nuts and coconuts. the ones with nuts-only were called "________ eyes" or something with eyes in the name, and nathan said he didn't know that there were coconuts in the "_______ eyes" brownies. i told him that those were called something else. the person in front of him and me in line took the last piece of the pie that i wanted.

there was also something about the back yard which had a huge porch and absolutely no vegetation in the yard part itself. it was very, very muddy.

i had a litter of five puppies. when i say i had them, i mean i gave birth to them. two of them were a bit runty. i had this weird belt that sort of looked like a tool belt. it was really soft and chocolate brown in color. it had five pockets - one for each puppy. i took them over to scott's house.

i think someone was trying to feed them something that just wasn't appropriate for babies, and i made someone go to the store to get some proper formula and some bottles. then i handed everyone a puppy to feed.

scott got the biggest one and wanted to name him topper. hilary had a spotted one and wanted to name him cheetah. i was feeding both of the runts. scott put topper down to play on the floor, and i was nervous that his two big bulldogs would accidentally hurt my puppy.

i dreamed of two boys. one was very dashing and charming and one of those Noticed people. you know, the kind that you immediately see. the other was charming in a quieter way, a little nerdy, not someone you notice, really. they both wanted me. i was drawn more to the first boy, but i liked the other one, too. i kissed them both, and i liked it, but i felt guilty at having kissed more than one boy. i was leaning toward choosing the quiet one because he was "safer". he would be less likely to leave me or be using me for something. i woke up before i made any decisions, though.

someone either in my family or that was a good friend of mine (think "little sister" type person -- we'll call her Ze) had gone out and bought a bunch of new stuff. she came home and had this diary. she started bragging about how [insert superpopular person X] and [insert superpopular person Y] were her friends and stuff. i started to make a fancy dinner. it was late.

at some point, i read the diary. i'm not sure why i did, and i didn't even feel guilty about it in the dream (which is weird). i found out that she'd been saying horrible things about other people i cared about (and me) to others. including X and Y and Y's family that were coming over for the dinner.

while i was talking to Ze about this, X and Y and family showed up. they butted in and started saying that maybe i just didn't know the people i cared about very well. they started saying a lot of twisted truths and some outright lies about them, and it really started pissing me off. Y's dad was the biggest offender, so i pushed him down onto the floor, kicked him, and took his glasses.

then a bunch of old, southern women came over, cleared out the offensive type people, and blew up the kitchen. i think there was also some witchery invovled, but i don't remember what.

i was in a city that looked something like tim burton's gotham. i was outside of a locked shop with a girl i was friends with. it was some sort of occult bookstore. they said they'd reopen at 2am, and it was only 11pm. then the light went on, and some cute guy in a beanie was in there. he opened up the shop for us, and we started looking around. then my friend said we should get married (to each other) while she was looking at some herbs and what not. i laughed and said that sounded like a splendid idea. then some crazy, skinny lady started screaming at us from outside of the shop about how we were going to burn for eternity, etc.

then all hell broke loose.

we ran outside, and i grabbed the scrawny woman by her arm and started saying things to her that clearly horrified her. i don't remember what it was i was saying, though. then there was a lot of gunfire, and i think i might have been involved in that. i got shot, and i was lying down behind a knocked over table. suddenly, michael madsen was there behind the table with me. i told him that i loved him and that i was shot. he picked me up, sat me on his lap, and married me. the guy from the occult shop was presiding over the ceremony, and i'm pretty sure that we were married with the blessings of satan. instead of trading rings, we each drank a shot of sake after we took our vows.

i was going on a trip into some sort of frozen waste/jungle place. meaning that sometimes it was a frozen waste, but sometimes it was a jungle. you know how dreams can be. anyway, apparently, that nick lachey guy or something was going, too. he was going to have to leave his wife behind, though. there were some other people that were going, but i don't remember who they were. we were going on some sort of medical mission or possibly a scientific study mission. it was going to be very dangerous.

when we left, it was on a wooden boat. really ancient looking. there were monsters or something that we had to beat (it was really left up to me to do this), and then collect pieces to a puzzle that would help us gain access to wherever we needed to go.

at some point, we ended up in some ice caves. something happened in there, but i can't remember what it was.

i was in the car at night with my mom and my sister and my cat teddy bear. teddy bear may have been a kitten again. the window was cracked, and he jumped out of it. i put my hazards on to save him. we got back into the car, and a woman wearing an "officer" shirt was talking to us. it occurred to me later that she may not have been a cop at all. she was nice, though.

we went to the petsmart and took teddy inside even though he didn't have a leash. we figured we could just hold onto him. it looked like some sort of weird everything store, except really high quality inside. there were clothing sections, food/meat sections, etc. i told my sister i needed to get my green snake (which i was suddenly holding) a new heat rock. he was also really dehydrated. we were going around the store, and i was in the clothing section with amy when some woman started giving us attitude. i pulled out my snake, and she went away.

i looked at the aquariums in the pet store. there was a talking frog that had sort of a tigger face. it was albino. i loved it. there were also great big fish tanks, and an arowana was in one. it looked like a rust-colored armored fish. it had plates on itself like an armadillo sort of. it was enormous and had eyes that looked like those goggles a lot of goth kids wear. it had long whiskers, too. then i guess i went home.

at some point, i had put the snake in my pants to keept i warm i think. while it was in there, it crawled up my butt. i had to poop it out. it was still alive. i washed it off, and put it in its cage. it could also talk to me. it had some babies or some friends or something in the aquarium i kept it in. it had to take care of them. i almost lost it in my house, but it came back.

i was stuck in 80s movies.
there was some sort of plot to kill some girl. she had a horse. we waited for the killers inside. david spade was in one of the movies, and the critics gave him bad reviews.

later, i was driving my car (a black camaro) at night in a horrible rainstorm. i think i was getting lost, and it was flooding.

my dreams were all sorts of screwed up last night.

i remember a torn prom dress (except it was actually my old orchestra dress), and a guy i was surprised to find wanted to go to some sort of fancy function (not the prom) with me. i was happy to know in advance so i could get an actual dress this time. apparently, it was also something we were supposed to wear masks to, and i had made one with crayons and banner paper. it was just a smiley face.

there was also a retarded guy that had a branch with dead bats tied to it. he kept poking me with it, and he was really beginning to bother me. i kept trying to be nice because of his mental status.

i'd lost at least two of my back molars, and one of my front, lower canines was loose.
i've never had a dream about my teeth before, although i understand that dreams like that are fairly common. weird stuff.

i've been having weird dreams lately. nothing worth writing down, really. they're very vivid and highly detailed, but i think it's all just garbage. it just seems like a bunch of stuff my mind is clearing out.

i think that's probably a good thing.