i slept for a bit. and dreamed.

i was in a large hallway of some sort. my friend was there. he looked the same as he did when he was living. he smiled and hugged me, but didn't say anything. the smile didn't reach his eyes. they were sad.

i walked past him, and there were some others there, too. i told them how much i missed them, but they kept on looking at me sort of sadly and ushering me forward.

i came to the end, and i don't know who it was that spoke to me. he(she?) held my hands in his and said two things to me. one was, "you always favor the broken things." and there was that sad smile again, and i knew it was true.

the other thing spoken to me is something i don't think i will ever tell anyone, and i won't ever forget it.

i was happy to wake up, but sad, too.

i had a series of nightmares that were really all the same nightmare. it just kept resetting.

i was in some sort of complex where there were all these different rooms. the first time, it was some sort of haunted house amusemen park except when i went into it, i got tortured. i was each victim, although they were also different people. i think sometimes, i may also have been the perpetrator of the violence. i (we) was tortured in different ways in each room and couldn't escape. then this fog came. i could see it out the windows that wouldn't break in one of the rooms. then the dream reset.

i was in some sort of spaceship going to another planet in order to fight demons or something. whatever it was that was causing this to happen. we were sliding down ropes from the ships in the air to the ground. we got stuck on the ground. some people got knocked off of the ropes. the complex was back and the torture. and then it reset.

i was in a medical building with all of the doctors' offices in it. i went into one office and saw one of the same violent people from the other complexes and knew i had to get out, but i couldn't. lots of stuff happened. more emotion and pain than anything. then it reset.

there were labs like at school. anatomy things. we realized that all of the parts we were studying were from the students that were there before us. then we were taken apart, too.

i remember in one of them, i was burned up. in one, the skin was flayed off of me. in one, i was impaled on things. etc. i was one of the "attractions" at the horror thing after i was burned up, and people thought it was just makeup until it happened to them (which was also me).

it was weird and horrible. i kept trying to figure out the right answer. like the dream was a riddle or a pick-your-own-adventure books. if i could just solve it right, it would happen again. i could never solve it, though.

i was in a maze. it was dangerous, i think. being in the labyrinth like that. i knew the way out, but i never left. i'd purposely make wrong turns in order to stay inside. i don't know what would have happened if i solved it.

i was going to college in canada. scott was going there, too. the campus was the strangest campus i've ever seen. it was massive and beautiful. it was winter time and in the mountains. a lot of international students were there. one of them was from some sort of middle eastern country. he and i became friends.

i was outside one day, and i saw a gorilla start doing a belly slide down the snow of the mountain. i asked one of the canadian students what the gorilla was doing there. i can't remember what he said. then there was a polar bear doing a slide right after the gorilla. he was going toward the gorilla. the gorilla came to a halt, and the polar bear attacked it. in horror, i asked the canadian student if the polar bear was going to eat it, and he said yes. the gorilla started trying to get away and went back up the mountain. the polar bear chased it. i think the polar bear finally got it, though. then the canadian student told me it was a fake gorilla filled with food. in the dream, that made sense.

my friend's family came to visit him. his father had this platinum necklace or something that was worth shitloads. my friend (i'll call him Z now) had a new baby sister. she was beautiful. the mother had apparently died during the birth or something, and Z's father had remarried some beautiful piece of shit. none of us liked her. there was a big group of us. we were taking Z's father down to the safety deposit area when we were attacked. the necklace slipped out of father's hands, but a boy caught it on the first story level and ran back up to give it to us. he was being chased, though. he got killed, and we had to fight off all of these people. somehow, we got away from them. we thought it was over. we got to the safety area on the first floor to deposit the necklace. i had it hidden on me. then some boy came and somehow knew i had it, and tried to get it away from me, but i fought him off.

then he lit a match and blew up. it killed most of the people. i went unconscious for a little bit, and when i came to, people had lined up parts of bodies according to what they were. there was a line of heads, a line of torsos with no limbs, a line of legs, etc. i asked if anyone else was alive, and they said they didn't know. i went around checking pulses. sometimes i would check a pulse, and realize it was only a limb or something. i found Z, his father, Z's sister, and a couple of other people. one of the boys was missing an arm, but he was otherwise okay.

time passes. Z's father and i have some sort of bond. we are very close. we are at a play that the boy with the missing arm is in. he's having a problem, and i go backstage to talk to him. he tells me he's going to die. he's upset, but then he goes out to perform.

time passes. Z's father is leaving the canadian school ot go back to his country. he tells me he is going to die in nine days. he gives me a necklace. he had the big platinum necklace broken apart into four necklaces, and gave me one of them. it was beautiful. i wore it. i was crying that he was leaving. he had some sort of limo/taxi waiting for him outside.

time passes. i'm visiting his enormous palace. his beautiful piece of shit wife is there. she's trying to be my friend, but i don't like her. my niece and some of her friends are there, too. they don't like wifey, either. there's a huge, beautiful bathroom. i want to take a shower. wifey is walking around naked and trying to talk to my niece, her friends, and i. my niece says some cruel things to her, and she leaves. i get in the shower. i love it. there are curtains, but also a glass door. one of the girls peeks in the glass door to see who is in there, and i'm embarrassed because she sees me naked.

later, i go down to some sort of huge desk. it looks like a massive hotel desk, and there are a lot of people working at it. there's a boy there that i've seen off and on through the dream. he looks like brad renfro. i say i want to ask him something. i had tried to ask him out years before, but never managed to do it. he smiles and says he's off tonight, and do i want to go out. i laugh and say yes.

we walk around this place. he's going to take me to one of his favorite restaurants. i see a large waterfall wall that has big rock ledges sticking out of it. it's black. i told him that i'd climbed to the top of it, and he didn't believe me.

we ran over there and climbed again, and then my alarm went off.

i had an erotic dream about matthew modine.

two dreams.

dream 1: there was an enormous yacht at the docks. i was parked near the docks. there was a lot of hedonism going on in the yacht. susan's husband (played by an actor that i've forgotten) and scott's wife (some blonde chick) were engaging in a menage a trois inside one of the rooms with the owner of the boat, alfred molina. he was young and had a moustache. i accidentally walked in and was horrified by what i saw. i ran back off of the yacht and opened my car door. i had three little squeezy toys in my car. it was very hot that day, and they were sort of melting. one was a green dragon i called, "dwaggy" and another one was a larger red dragon. i don't remember what the third one was, but i think it was orange. i was lamenting the fact that they were melting, when i noticed susan walking up the dock toward the yacht. i stopped her and looked up at the yacht. scott was leaning on the railing with a beer and shaking his head. i told them both what i saw. the sex stopped. my friends got their spouses, and then we were all off the boat. i looked up at the yacht again and saw alfred molina standing against the railing looking down at us. he was wearing swim shorts and an open, white terry cloth robe. i realized he was the devil, and i told susan and scott that he was the devil. then i woke up.

dream 2 during a wee nap: i was naked and alone in a forest. i was very dirty and my skin was all cut up from various branches and things. my hair was very long and covered most of my nakedness. i was bone thin. i wasn't afraid, though.

i was at some sort of geek gaming convention. video games. i felt really awkward, but then moby came up to me and started talking to me. moby was my friend. he also had shoulder-length brown hair and glasses. weird stuff. i was supposed to play in some sort of competitive virtual reality game, and i was nervous. moby told me about everyone else's weaknesses and confirmed my own suspicions about the other players, and i wasn't so nervous after that. i was going to win.

i was sick. the cancer was in my bone marrow, and i had to have radiation and a transplant. i got so ill, and i was this too-skinny, hairless, pale thing with huge eyes. only a few people were willing to visit me in the hospital. then there was a staff change. i was on the top floor, of course. my mom told me something about what the doctor was going to do. it was going to happen on the next tuesday. the rest didn't really filter through until after she left.

the doctor was going to stop my heart. on purpose. and i was really scared that i wouldn't be able to come back if he did that. i didn't understand why he was going to stop my heart, and i wanted to call my mom. none of the phones would dial out. the new staff had made it so none of us could call out. i couldn't go down in the elevator. i kept running around trying to figure out how i could get out, but i couldn't. they put me back into the bed, and i laid there thinking about how the last time i'd really be alive would be when they gave me the anaesthesia.

it was the end times, i think. there was mass destruction of the world by fire, flood, and earthquake. there were still a lot of people, most of which had gathered in certain broken urban areas. the people were split, though. there was a man. we were split on whether he was christ or antichrist. it was not as holy as in the bible. he was a man with power. that's all we knew. i was part of an underground rebel group that thought he was antichrist. he would kill people. he would have them hanged in front of everyone else. that had to be antichrist, right?

at some point, some friends and i were in some sort of abandoned department store. i was trying to find some jewelry to wear and maybe some money for a movie at the theater that still worked. the jewelry was all very gaudy, and i didn't like it very much.

then we were being herded into a coliseum of some sort. it was very broken. concrete. was a stadium, but also had some sort of ancient look to it. the man walked up to me with his entourage and said something to me. i pretended to not know who he was because most people had never seen his face. most people did not know who he was when they saw him. he told me he was The One Who Had Come, and i laughed and said i didn't believe him. i said something else, and i was taken to be hanged. they thought i was part of the underground rebel group.

when they took me to be hanged, i was scared. there were to be four of us that day. i saw my mother in the crowd and was scared for her. i saw my friends and was scared. i saw him just as they were sliding the rope over my head, and i broke free and knelt at his feet. i said to please forgive me, that i did not know. i said i just thought he was some boy hitting on me and trying to be impressive. that other boys had done the same. i looked up at him, and we made eye contact. something passed behind his eyes, and i wasn't sure what it was. i knew i should have to think on it, and i knew he wasn't going to kill me at that moment. his second in command questioned me on whether i was in the underground rebel group, and i said i wasn't. i knew he didn't believe me, but the man just kept looking at me.

he let me go, and i went up into the stadium with my friends and my mom. there was a small calico kitten. i picked her up, and held her. i put her down again to fill out some sort of forms we had to fill out. who we were, what we did. i said i was some kind of refiner but that i had wanted to be a nurse.

a quake started, and we all started rushing out of the stadium. the wind picked up, too, and i lost the kitten. i somehow knew that something was going to happen at 55 feet up. we were higher than that, and i said we had to get below that quickly. i dragged my mother and one of my friends by their arms as we were running down. we got to the bottom, and ran around the concrete overhang outside. i said that we would be safe there. it was raining something that wasn't as safe as water outside, but i don't know what it was. he was out there, too, with his entourage.

there was a small bullet train. just one car. it sped up to the coliseum and stopped. some people got into it, and then he looked at me and told me to get in. i wanted my mom to come with me. she didn't want to come. i looked at him, and something passed behind his eyes again. he asked me if i was sure i wanted her to come. i asked him if she would be safer here, and he said yes. he looked to the side a bit and down, and i followed his gaze. there was the kitten. i let go of my mom's hand, picked up the kitten, and got into the train thing. i was scared and sad to leave her behind. i hoped she would be okay. there were some other people in the train that i didn't know. the ceiling was low where i was, and i was afraid i was going to hit my head.

then my dreaming self looked outside of the train. i had to know what was going on, and if i was being sent to die. if he knew that i had worked against him. he was talking to his entourage. his second was telling him that i was part of the underground. that i had fought against them, and that i was smart. that i had fought well. he said that i needed to be hung and asked why he was instead sending me on the train. he said he knew. he said that i was part of the prophecy. his second asked if he thought i was the one that was an enemy but would be his love, and he said yes. then he looked at where my dreaming self was, and his eyes twinkled a bit. he smiled, puckered his lips, and blew some air at me.

i woke up feeling very cold for a minute. then my body realized that it was actually really warm in my room.

i was in some sort of desert type area (my head told me it was the desert in my dream), but it had all of these high mountains and stuff. i was in some place that was not my home. i was a visitor there. i was in a room by myself. it was night time. i was trying to sleep and listening to the wind howl outside. there were mild rumbles of thunder. i was smiling to myself and laughing inwardly while thinking, "they think this storm is so awful. i've been through worse. this is nothing." i knew someone wanted to do bad things to me, but i don't know who. i was supposed to be safe there.

i felt or thought that someone entered or looked in on me a few times. i also called susan a few times, but it was the middle of the night, and she got irritated with me. inside the dream, i couldn't figure out why i was calling her. i consciously did it the first two times (two straight in a row because nobody picked up the first time), but unconsciously did it the third time. i moved my cell phone further away from me on the night stand, so i would have to really get up to get to it in order to prevent myself calling her again.

i heard someone come again. the "storm" was still going on. he walked up to my bedside. he said, "you are being watched here." he left all of the lights off, but i could see him through some vague light from outside. he told me i might want to set up a changing screen and stuff because there are at least two that are spying on me. he said they were supposed to be friendly and didn't even realize that they were working for the bad guy(s).

then i was jarred awake by the alarm. i had a vague feeling upon waking that had something to do with a boy (i think the person that was supposed to protect me) and wondering if he was in on it or something like that.

i'd forgotten about the previous dream. what is it with me dreaming that i get committed to mental hospitals?? i had this dream the night before last night:

i had to be committed to an asylum. the rooms were weird. i was there for extreme depression and some sort of personality disorder. the main guy that took care of me was nicknamed "snoop dogg", but he wasn't actually snoop in the dream. there was another patient there named "snickers", and i'm not sure what exactly was wrong with him other than the fact that he was really, truly crazy.

we had easter in some sort of weird mess hall. i remember a chocolate egg. some of us escaped, or maybe i was let out to see my family for a birthday party. i know that snoop and snickers both loved me. maybe not necessarily in love with me, but they both loved me very much.

snickers showed up to my birthday party saying he was a rock star and started playing some weird songs. one of them was by nine inch nails. he did something else weird, and they took us all back to the asylum.

at some point, i escaped again. i was on some sort of fancy river boat with a bunch of people. some chick was getting married. her two younger sisters were there. they were all blonde and very pretty in a rich girl sort of way. the middle sister hated me, and knew that i had escaped and was trying to make me do something crazy, so the people would find me and take me back. i had this little walnut necklace thing that i'd made inside the asylum, and i had the rope wrapped around my hand a little. i kept hitting the middle sister on the head with it when she wasn't looking. the youngest sister was the only nice one. they handed me a half of a head of lettuce. i didn't know what to do. their father told me to cut it in half, so i did. a large sunflower seed fell out, and they told me i'd won a big prize, and to go grab a bag off of the table. i did. the sisters took it away from me when i got back to the table and opened it, but i grabbed it back. there was some sort of little plastic toy inside. it was a pink box, and i opened it up. there were three plastic male figures inside. one of them looked like johnny depp. there was a note shoved in there, too. it was from snickers.

snickers was in canada and wanted me to meet him at a certain place up there. i dumped a bunch of food or something on the two older sisters, and then i told the youngest one that i thought she was beautiful, both inside and out. i told her that i was afraid she was going to grow up to be ugly like her sisters and that she should try not to let that happen. then i left.

i went to canada and found snickers. he was naked and looked very scruffy. he was very cold. he said that in canada, they didn't make you stay in the asylum. that you could voluntarily commit yourself and then leave whenever you wanted to, no matter how crazy you were. he said you could go there when you really needed to, and then they'd let you out. we went there, and there were chain-link fences. there was a sign on the door with prices, and he said we were the third price. i told him we had no money.

i saw snoop coming down a hallway, and then i woke up.

my parents had me committed to a mental hospital. nathan was in there, too. it was horrible. nathan hatched a plan for us to get out, but he didn't have anywhere for me to stay. someone i knew in the dream but don't know for real was there and wanted to help me. we had contacted her using a cellphone, but i don't know whose it was. i don't really remember a whole lot after that.

a bunch of us were at a party at some huge house on an island beach. vince neil from motley crue was also there with a date that was a complete bitch. i was talking with vince neil on the couch and there was another girl next to us that was in the conversation. his date came back and started berating that girl for no reason, and i verbally bitch-slapped her. vince neil laughed, and she left. then he asked me out on a date, and i said yes. (what?!!?!?!)

ryan got mad at me for accepting a date with vince neil. then he went and told ben, and ben laughed and was smoking a silver cigarette.

i went on the date with vince neil, and he was very nice. then there was a big group of us going somewhere in eric's car, and eric almost crashed it into one of those car-trailers (the trailers that carry the cars to the dealership) that was empty.

yeah.

vince neil. really?

we were at the grocery store when my brother and amy called the police on me. my brother was crying and holding me so i couldn't get away. he said he loved me, but amy was so sure i'd done it. he said after this, he couldn't ever show me his face again.

i went to jail. i was so scared. there was someone there that decided to teach me how to take care of myself there.

there were two people i think that worked behind the bar that were my friends i think or people that knew me. they were talking about it, but i can't remember if they thought i was guilty or innocent. or knew it, maybe. they might have been talking about how to get me out.

i wanted to talk to my brother so much. and amy, too. i don't know if i was guilty of what they sent me there for or not. it was ripping the family apart, though. amy had one of my necklaces and was holding it almost like a rosary and praying. that's all i remember.

alice wanted to have a baby. sometimes she was played by allison janney. there were two or maybe three other girls with us at the time. i'm not sure which girls, but i think katie was one of them. we were walking down the sidewalk at a strip mall. the problem was that alice was dying. she had some sort of liver cancer that was very aggressive. we were going to this weird place. it was very open and empty looking inside with some kind of exercize mats or something. there was one lady in there. it was where you went to get ready to make a baby. to talk about getting pregnant and stuff. it was past the grocery store and the cloth store. we went inside, and alice/allison janney got an iv with some darkish yellow stuff put into the saline solution. i think it was some kind of chemo, but it didn't look like methotrexate. it was much darker. then the lady that worked there had alice/allison janney do some exercises. she wanted to be able to stay alive long enough to have a baby. for some reason, that was 512 weeks. at least, i think that's what she said. she wanted to stay alive for that long. i asked her if she was hurting right now. she said only sometimes. the lady said something about how the medicine would help because it was like she had a giant cut on her liver inside. she kept talking about cutting her hair or bangs maybe very short and something about beads in her hair.

my mom came into my room in the middle of the night wearing her pj's. she said i had to come downstairs to look at the dog. she told me to hurry. i got up, and when i got halfway down the stairs, i saw my dog. she was holding her back right leg up almost parallel to the floor and whimpering. her leg was all bloody and mangled. =(

zombies. i was at some kind of campsite. sort of like friday the 13th, except much prettier. there were zombies coming from a camp that was down the river or something. they weren't regular zombies, though. they could think. and they could move fairly normally. most of the people at the camp ran, but i wasn't sure we had enough time to run without being caught, so i hid behind an amp that was under some sort of bed or something and my robe that was back there. i hoped if they looked, they would think i was just junk shoved under a bed and not find me. but the main zombie boy found me and dragged me out. i started crying, and then i remembered it was my dream. i didn't have to let him bite me and become a zombie. so i made myself run. i don't know why i didn't make myself wake up.

i ran through the forest. there were dirt roads sometimes. sometimes i would see a car, but i didn't know if it was a zombie car or not, so i hid from it. i made it to a gas station, and i was calling for help. then the main zombie and his father (who hadn't been bitten and was competely normal, but on their side) showed up to kill me.

i don't remember anything after that. =(

i had a dream about him last night. he and some other people had come to visit me. there were several people there. it was my house, but not my house.

they slept on the living room floor under lots of blankets. right next to the french doors. everyone had gotten up except for him, and i went in there. i laid down next to him, and we cuddled and stuff. i noticed the outlines of the muscles in his arms, and when he moved, i could see them move underneath his skin. it was beautiful. the skin on the inside of his arm was very pale. his hair was dark and softer than i thought it would be. his eyes weren't as green that day. they had more grey in them. we laughed about things, and i loved him. it was nice. when i woke up, i thought it had been real for a moment.

last night i dreamt of war. we were on horses and had swords. i knocked an armored man off of his horse face down into a creek. then i stood on his head while he drowned. having said that, there were no negative feelings at all in the dream. i only felt guilty when i woke up. =x

the other night in the tub, i fell asleep and dreamt of blood and grease. black, thick grease. it was odd.

last night, my dream was post-apocalyptic. this time after a massive worldwide war that destroyed nearly everything. there were groups of people that had survived and teamed up for protection against other groups and to help them acquire food, etc. tom cruise was sort of the leader of the group i was in. i was some sort of spy/assassin, and i got captured by another group and tortured for a while, but tom cruise + my group rescued me. that was nice. it was weird, though. tom cruise was also very tall in my dream. we were all very dirty, and the air smelled bad. like electricity. like the air smells after lightning has just struck very nearby. or after you've burnt plastic.

all of us were married. we had kids. even me. i had two sons. i don't know who i was married to, but my sons were three years apart. all of us still hung out together regularly, and our children played together.

fast forward. we were older. our kids were growing up. two of them even got married, but i don't know from which families they came. something happened, but i don't remember what.

fast forward again. we were really old, and near some body of water on the beach. the families had rented out a string of cabins. our kids were grown, and their kids were playing. even some great grandchildren were around. i was sitting in a beach chair with a big, floppy hat on and musing that they needed to make big, floppy hats for old ladies that had no brims on the back, so we could keep the sun off of our faces but still lean back in the chair. bigger brims than visors offer, i mean. katie was in a chair next to me. she was still thin but had old lady paunch. we were wearing old lady beach clothes. it was funny to me. there was an empty chair with a box on it. some of us had died, and that chair and box was there for them. so they were still with us. katie turned and looked at me and said, "it's been a good life."

then i woke up.